Torture

Then next time happened between 8th grade and senior year. I was over at.... you guessed it Jimmy’s house. This time was the worst time. It was the middle of the afternoon. It was just Jimmy and myself at his house. Jimmy went to go find other people to come over so he rode his bike out. I didn’t feel like riding and I needed to cool down and rest so I was chilling on the couch. About 5 mins later Justin and a friend came home I wasn’t alarmed at this point but I kept tabs on where they were. They went into Justin’s room and were laughing and joking around. I was in the living room with my eyes glued on the TV screen. I was watching power rangers, a show that I was never allowed to watch. I was watching the TV, Jimmy had been gone for like 20 mins now and Justin and “Zack” were quietly in his room. the show had just gone to commercial when Zack and Justin come out from behind the couch and grab me by my hand and legs and start to carry me into Justin’s Bedroom. I was struggling but the two of them were too strong. they wrestled my sweat pants off and in the mean time my shirt started to rip as well as the boxer briefs I had on. They successfully got the rest of my clothing off although it was tattered and torn. My body had some scratch marks on it where they had been holding me down. They had successfully tied my arms together to the headboard of the bed and my feet were tied separately one to one side of the foot board and the other to the other. They were winded so they left me there. Tied down on Justin’s bed I struggled and screamed but there was no use no one else was home. I was tired and weak from riding my bike all day and then wrestling them as they tied me down. I had been screaming the whole time. They were too mostly Zack saying I was worthless, weak, insufficient, a bastard, bitch, what ever poured out of his mouth. It smelt like they had been drinking. They were college age anyways it wouldn’t have surprised me. Justin takes off his clothes and gets on the bed with me and Zack took pictures of us together. Justin gets on top of me and starts to do what he usually does with my rump. They flip me over and take pictures of me alone facing the ceiling now in the nude spread wide eagle. They get me excited and take pictures of that. Justin kisses me on the lips and Zack continues taking pictures. I am stuck wide spread facing the ceiling unable to move. At least they had the decency to cover me up with part of the sheet as they left. I feel asleep from exhaustion of trying to get out of my bounds. The thin rope that they used was cutting into my wrists and ankles. After what seemed like hours later Zack entered into the room this woke me up. His eyes were full of lust from being left out. He was alone just myself and him. He started spouting out names at me. Then off the shelf he took a bat and hit me across the stomach, the legs and, chest. Calling me a bastard for scratching him earlier (I can only guess as they were stripping me down). I as he hit me across the stomach I puked up all over the side of the bed. He then dropped the bat whipped off his belt and started to whip me with it. While he was doing this he started to say that if I screamed that he would make it worse. He then grabbed the belt in the other hand and started to lash at me with the buckle. I was now hurting all over my body. It is not like I haven’t gotten whipped before or gotten abused, that was actually common for me. But I had never been tied down both hands and feet before let alone naked. Every time that I have been beaten before I had to bite my lip and take it, I was never allowed to whimper, scream, fight back, cry, ect. I was so ashamed. He then when satisfied that he punished me enough for scratching him jumped on me and the bed. The ropes were now supporting both bodies cutting into my wrists more. He was still clothed as he started to scratch and bite me. He would clench my legs then dragged, and pulled until his nails cut me. I had scratch marks all up and down my legs. He was paying me back for scratching him. Grabbing my hair he started to bite my neck then he move to my lips. He then unzipped his pants and whipped out his little buddy and shoved it forcefully into my mouth. I had already puked once. It came and went came and went in my mouth. Just like I remembered. I was starting to have flash backs. I wanted him off me so I bit him. He only got angry and punched me in the face, the, chest, abs, and groin. After he did this he moved down my abdomen licking me all the way down. Clenched my butt with his hands and shoved his face on my junk and started to bite, tear, ect. I have never been in so much pain before. His nails were digging into my behind as his mouth was all over me. When he was finished. He untied my legs just to flip me over again. He fully took of the rest of his clothing and jumped on me like a wild animal again biting, scratching, punching. He opened up my butt checks and inserted himself. He was there for what seemed like hours. Roughly pleasing himself. At this point I was bleeding from pretty much every where. You might not have recognized me with the blood, scratches, feathers(from the pillow), puke, bites, ect. He kept going again and again. In out in out. Waiting until he was able to do it again and then he did it again. Meanwhile telling me that I was nothing and the consequences if I would tell. Everyone would think I was gay. They would show the pictures. ect. My parents would disown me. ect. Making me feel like it was my fault and that he had power over me. He kept starting the process of deflating and reflating and mounting, doing everything again and again. He probably gave me anal sex approximately 7 times before he puked all over my back. He then caught his breath and then he practically passed out on top of me. Sooner or later Justin comes back in the room and sees the state I was in. He starts screaming at Zack saying that he was drunk and took it way to far. Justin sounded drunk himself. He grabbed Zack and peeled him off me. It seems that between the photo shoot and Zack raping me he had a bit to drink and he was stumbling on the floor covering himself up. Justin was stumbling over himself. Mumbling about being sorry and to leave quickly. I was in so much pain. I threw on my clothes on top of my bloody mess and grabbed my bike. I took it around the back and headed straight for the woods. I knew a creek back there. I couldn’t let mom find out. I would be in so much trouble. I washed up and walked home. My mother wasn’t there. I took a shower and cried myself to sleep. I was all alone. Tired, worthless, weak, defeated, so many different emotions. From that day on would start my night terrors where I wake up suddenly in the middle of the night scratching myself and screaming. This would then die down as I suppress this incident and all of them from my mind.
Life afterwards. I hate men they are filthy animals. Not just for what they did to me but for how they think of women, how they treat women, how they treat me. How every one that has ever cared hurt me. I live a life of hurt and mistrust. I can’t even trust myself. I injure myself ever since I have brought this back up recently. I wake up in the middle of the night humping my bed, masturbating within my sheets. Everyone that I tell looks on at me differently when I tell them. I feel like I am a monster that can’t even control himself. I am a nut. I can’t even ask for help. People think that I make this up for attention. I would be so happy if this wasn’t reality. I HATE my life. I just wish it was different. I want someone to love me. I want someone to hold me tell me that it is okay and not hurt me. I have been abused by christian men trying to invoke points into me that they shove me against walls, hit me, punch me, grab my hair. Ect. All while trying to teach me that God loves me? Every man that has ever led me has failed. Has physically hurt me, or emotionally hurt me. To the men that don’t do this I get emotionally attached and they cannot deal with me any more so they cut off all strings. Men suck. I hate men. Everyone is afraid to touch me. It is like I am possessed.

Again

The next time I was off groundation guess whose house I went to.... That’s right Jimmy’s. I was over his house to escape from my parents. This time I was more conscious of where Justin was. A lot of me said that he was the only one that understood me. We were having another sleep over. This time we were older but still in middle school. We watched our first movie and we started to watch a second. We were in middle school so it was col to sleep in the clothes that you wore over there. I had worn over a pair of basketball shorts my usual attire. I was sitting on the couch watching the movie as jimmy passes out as usual on the floor. Justin had come in half way through the movie and sat on the lazy boy. We finished watching the movie and he came over and sat next to me. We started a conversation and I was very cautious going into it. He asked me if I knew how people shoed they loved each other. I said yes they kiss each other. He said there is so much more than that. My parents never let me take a sex ed class. He then told me hey let me show you. He then grabbed the remote and turned on some porn. I sat there mesmerized trying to figure out what they were doing. Every time I had scene a guy and his thing it was disgusting, wrong, bad and my parents wouldn’t even let me touch mine. I couldn’t comprehend it but I was drawn into it because I had never scene a girl like that. Justin however just in his boxers as usual started to whack off through his boxers and then he put his hands under his shorts. After he was done he started grabbing mine. It was strange, I was getting some pleasure out of it. I was so confused. Justin then took me and started to lay me on my stomach slowly. Putting my friend between the cushions of the couch and his in my Butt hole again. My head was glued to the TV screen. He was picking me up letting me fall and then he would fall on top of me. Again and again and again we did this. He kept telling me that he loved me. I was rubbed raw and I was bleeding on both ends. I was extremely confused, it hurt, but it started out with some good feelings. He said he loved me, and I didn’t understand. Did he really care? When he had finished we just laid there him on top of me, sweaty and nasty. When he was ready he got off and turned off the TV. He then saw that I was bleeding told me to go get dressed and go to bed. I was confused at what happened. I fell asleep. My thing was hurting for weeks later. I could barely sit anymore. Everything hurt.

Undressed

Ever winder if people notice if you undress them in your mind?

When a man looks at you undressing you with his eyes. You can sense him looking underneath your clothing. You can see his lust grow and dwell in his mind. In the meantime you feel like dirt. You feel disgusting, as if you are only a piece of meat and flesh. A man is trying to coat his overwhelming emotions, depression, fear, hurt, anger and instead of lashing physically out against someone he comforts himself within his mind. With mental and sometimes physical pleasure he uses you for self gratification during his moments of weakness. He doesn't understand that what he does to you is hurting you at all. All he is looking for is self comfort. Selfishness.

Another episode

The next time it happened I made a severe mistake that I would never make again. It was around 6th grade I went over to a guy’s house, the only one that I could go over when I wasn’t grounded. It was the only place I could escape to besides church that I could get away to. We were watching movies and his older brother was forced to watch us because “Jimmy’s” parents weren’t home. We were watching “The Kid” and something else by this time Jimmy had already fallen asleep in the living room where we had planned to crash. This left myself and Jimmy’s older brother “Justin” still awake. We started talking about school and home. I was upset when he brought those up because I was picked on and no one cared about me and I couldn’t please my father. I mentioned in anger that I was weak and that I couldn’t ever defend myself because I was scared. Quite a bit in the conversation after he started to comfort me I started to trust him with my deepest secrets. But before I did I realized I had to use the restroom. He said that I might want to get ready for bed as well. I slipped gym shorts on over my briefs to sleep in. I quickly brushed my teeth took off my shirt and I was ready to go. As I came out he was ready for bed as well in his boxers and no shirt. He called me over into his room to continue our conversation. I willingly came, he was someone who cared about me. We sat at the end of his bed and started to talk again. He brought up my father and how we didn’t get along very well. He started to comfort and coo me. He wrapped his arms around me to comfort me pulling me closer. I could hear his heart beating. He was starting to get more direct and aggressive in his conversation. His words were sweet and caring and everything that I hoped for. I started to bring up everything that was happening in my life and with everything I said I started to trust him more. My face started to burrow inside of his chest and his arms enveloped me. I started to talk how I have hated the world of men and all they have ever done is hurt me and make fun of me. Again his words were caring and he told me he loved me. That he would protect me and keep me safe. I liked feeling him hold me and say that he cared. He made me feel protected and secure. I then mentioned something I hadn’t told anyone. I told him that a man had put his thing in my mouth and now as I know what it is called raped me. I described it in detail to him and I was crying and shivering and he was holding me. He told me that I had nothing to be afraid of that he was here to protect me. He rocked me back and forth until I had cried myself asleep. I vaguely remember him carrying me and placing me under the covers of his bed and then he climbed in and held me close to his chest and then falling asleep again. His body was warm against mine. The next time that I woke up I no longer had my clothes on nor did he but he was still holding me and I felt secure. He started to realize that I was awake and he started shifting and whispering in my ear. That he was right here protecting me. Couldn’t I feel he strong body against mine. That body will protect you for it is strong. He started to take my arms and place them above my head with his hands. He then rolled me onto my stomach and laid on top of me. He was warm. I was confused on what he was doing. His strong legs started to wrap around my legs spreading them apart. His little friend was already hard and laying there against my skin. While holding my arms down with one hand he propped himself up with the other hand. He placed his friend horizontal in my crack. It was like a hot dog on a bun. It was also as if he had put lotion on it for it was slippery and wet. His body started to rise and fall on top of mine and I was being held down. I started to squirm for I know that last time something happened with a mans friend I was disgusting and in trouble. He was whispering in my ear that it was okay that he was just protecting me. He repositioned himself to where it was entering my anal canal and he slowed down going in and out slower. I was not big enough for his junk to go through so it started to crack/split and bleed. It hurt so bad. I was trembling he cooed me until I was quiet as he continued to go. He then didn’t just whisper in my ear he started to nibble on it. His sweaty body was gross. I was stuck with no where to go and he was so strong and holding me down. I could only cry. He then finished his work and lay there still emerged in my body. I cried myself asleep again with him laying on top of me resting.The next time I woke I was in the living room with my clothes on next to Jimmy. Justin came to me later that morning and said if I told anyone that he wouldn’t protect me at school and he would tell my parents what I did at the base ball park. So I didn’t tell anyone. Ever.

The First time

Around the age of 8 I was at my brother’s baseball game at a park in some distant state. I was at the playground when I urgently had to use the rest room so my mom let me go by myself. My mother was paying attention to the game and my father was coaching. I ran as fast as I could to the restroom as I walked in to the stall. There was someone in the bathroom as well. He had been standing by the door. As I went into my stall he proceeded to follow me into my stall. I realized he was right there as I tried to close the stall door but his hand was there to stop me from closing the door. The stall happened to be a handicap stall so it could easily fit the both of us and the toilet I backed away from him and the backs of my legs hit the toilet in the corner and I fell upon the closed seat. He came at me swift and pursuingly. I started to ask who he was but he claimed that it didn’t matter. The next part happened quite fast and all of a-sudden. He whipped out his already erect friend from below and clenched on to my face with his hands right behind my ears. He looked at me straight in the eyes. He started laying the ground rules for what was to happen next. Don’t scream or I will hurt you, don’t bite me or you will regret it later that it would be even worse than I could imagine. From there he had to whack off a bit to get his friend fully ready as he told me to open my mouth. Once he was already prepared he forcefully put his friend in my open mouth. He used his hands to keep my head in place as he did his work in and out in and out grunting like an animal. I was not sure what was happening at this point I didn’t know anything about anatomy and what parts functioned as what. Anyways it got to the point where it felt like he was doing it for sometime. When suddenly it felt like he peed in my mouth. It was disgusting. I felt like I was going to puke I was trying so hard to push him away. I was being careful not to bite but I didn’t want that foreign object in my mouth. It pushed that hanging thing my mouth that made me gag. At this point I had peed my pants cause I hadn’t gone yet. I was so scared I didn’t know him I didn’t know what to do. He started to relax and loosen his grip enough that I could push him far enough away to breathe. After I got my breath I started wiggling to get it out of my mouth.The Top of my head was wet, he had been drooling on me. I finally got him to get it out of my mouth. His back went against the door blocking my escape as he caught his breath and tucked his little friend away. I sat there in shock as he keep breathing loudly. He then started talking to me very forcefully grabbing me by the shoulders shaking me as he told me if I told anyone I would be in so much trouble and that like me again and that I was disgusting and useless. He wanted to assure me that I was weak and he was the bigger man. He started to leave me alone when he saw that I was scared that I had wet my pants and he was comfortable that I wouldn’t tell anyone. He left me there sitting in shock in my soiled pants wondering what just had happened. I ended up throwing away my soiled undergarments and then hiding on the playground trying hard not to cry. I was so small, weak, insufficient, gross, disgusting, worthless, afraid, scared, and so much crap.